Even under the best of circumstances, the first few weeks of September are always intensely challenging for me. Maybe you can relate?
I seem to be in constant conflict with myself until roughly the beginning of October. Everything I feel is felt viscerally, deep within the marrow of my being, and all of these emotions are both tremendously powerful and completely at odds with each other.
By the end of every August, predictably, I am overcome with this profound sense of loss and despair which hits me soul-deep. I feel a finite, yet cavernous sorrow for the end of my favorite season, time spent in my favorite seaside places, and memories made with my favorite people. Yet, I also feel a deep well-spring of joy about what’s to come in school, life, and in business. And/both.
I go from being habitually surrounded by my family and deeply loving on our time together to spending 14 hours a day by myself. I miss them immensely while also relishing the blissfully silent household and the self-propelled focus that silence affords me. And/both.
I want nothing more than to be back in the studio working with the children who love my classes and my company, but it is a punch to the solar plexus to know that my time with my OWN school-aged children is coming to an end. Have I taught my girls everything they need to know? Have I given them as much as I have given to the children in the local communities? I am wracked with elation over being able to do the work I love with kids I love and the guilt that being a dedicated, entrepreneurial mother brings. And/both.
I want to reach out to find a support system and feel the solidarity that sweet sisterhood provides, but I also want to cocoon and be by myself until I start to feel more human and even-keeled. And/both.
The inevitability of these feelings started barreling towards me a couple weeks ago (early onset due to my oldest being a high school senior, I suspect) and I planned for it in advance. I filled my calendar up with lots of soul-nourishing activities: a beach day with Bob and the girls, time alone at the beach to reflect and “winterize” my psyche, concerts, a trip to the Brimfield flea market, time to journal and nap and exercise. I wanted to proactively stanch the bleeding, if you catch my drift. But, my poor dog has had acute diarrhea for the past 3+ days, and I have not been able to sleep or leave the house. That has me feeling more despondent than ever this time around. I am his person and of course I want to care-take him and do whatever necessary to make sure he is okay, but I am also a bit sorrowful because my plans haven’t come to fruition—plans so integral to MY health and well-being. And/both.
Maybe you have had feelings just like this, or some unique variety of them. I want you to know you are not alone—being a human is an incredibly complex dance of unpredictability and elation. September might kick our asses, but all of our “Octobers” eventually come. Adulthood and parenthood can be heart-splittingly joyous and mind-numbingly painful. And more. All at the same time.
I am going to go and try to force the tides to turn on this shitty (literally and metaphorically) week. I am going to honor and allow what I am feeling and also work to shift my mindset. If any of this resonates with you, I recommend that you do the same. Just writing all of this down has been incredibly cathartic, but I am also going to crank up a saccharine-sweet playlist on Spotify and make some art, while I boil some chicken and rice for the dog and wait for my family to eventually get home. It’s the best I can do today, and my best is just going to have to be enough.