If you are a parent, a business owner, if you work with clients 1:1, if you are married or have a partner…you are going to want to pay attention to this blog post: there is GOLD in here! I am going to give you one tip that can lead to better communication, better understanding, and better connections.
Are you someone who gets easily uncomfortable with pregnant pauses in conversations or silences during Q + A? Do you immediately try to fill those silences with the sound of your own voice? Or, instead of listening, are you thinking of your own agenda, formulating responses, and allowing your mind to wander? Let me give you a few examples of why you are NOT going to want to do ANY of that anymore.
I know a lot of people who talk over me or interrupt me when I am talking. Drives me frickin’ crazy! One person in particular is always formulating a response while I am speaking. Her intent isn’t to hear me, it is to respond (and often get the last word). Another acquaintance always feels the need to one-up me during uncomfortable pauses. Her problems are bigger, her business is better, her life is more glamorous. Blech! Interactions with this person never feel good for me. Other people’s insensitivity and impatience has been a really valuable mirror and has made me want to be a whole lot better in this area. And, for good reason.
At Home
Over the summer, I remember talking to my daughter about something important. I was trying to understand why she was feeling the way she was feeling about a situation. I asked her a very difficult question—one which she did not immediately respond to. Instead of projecting my opinion onto her, filling the silence with more “momming,” or trying to guide her answer, I listened. I showed her with my body language that she had both the time and space to formulate her thoughts. I allowed her to process. (Remember: asked, listened, showed, allowed.)
Eventually (it seems like a long time, but it was probably no more than a minute), I received a well-thought-out, articulate answer to my question. She received the gift of being able to formulate her own thoughts, identity, and problem-solving skills—without interference from me. If I had allowed my impatience or my discomfort to interject into her process, the outcome would NOT have been the same. She would have shut down. Or she would have withdrawn. Or she would have gotten frustrated. Her trust in both me and the process would have deteriorated.
In Business
Over the past couple of days, I have been on almost a dozen market research calls for a course idea I have for my business. I am diligently and deliberately working to better understand my ideal client and her wants, needs, and desires so I can create valuable content for her. Guess what? You will never learn about your ideal client if you spend the entire time talking.
Prior to these calls, I took the time to create a questionnaire that would allow me to flow through the conversations while staying focused and on topic. And, once I asked the questions, I stopped talking. On every 👏single 👏 one 👏 of my calls, some of the best comments or thoughts from my volunteers came AFTER very lengthy pregnant pauses. It was SO tempting to jump in and fill the silence by asking a clarifying question or changing direction or projecting my own viewpoints into the conversation. But, I held my tongue and it was extremely beneficial to the process!
For example: on one of my calls, one woman emphatically insisted that she totally loved her life and she didn’t want to change a single thing…but THEN, after one of my questions, she paused for a long while and admitted that she has totally lost motivation and no longer knows how to make herself a priority because she is so accustomed to putting everyone else first. She finally admitted that she is upset with herself for not having the drive or the desire to take care of some of her most basic needs. And then she thanked me because she said I gave her a lot to think about during our time together.
The Results Speak for Themselves
This was not a one-off occurrence…it happened each time. There was a spontaneous thought that was often followed up by a much deeper epiphany. The more I stayed quiet and allowed for those awkward silences, the more I learned about my volunteers and the more my volunteers learned about themselves. Win, win.
The same for my daughters. The more I can allow myself to be in “observing mode” and allow my girls to discover their OWN limits and make their OWN epiphanies (within reasonable limits, of course), the more they learn about themselves and the world around them.
I encourage my students in the studio to “listen with their whole face” (something that is becoming more and more challenging for the digital generation to do) and enjoy these awkward silences. When they do, they learn more about their process, are more tuned into their progress, learn valuable lessons about the world around them, and they ask far fewer questions about things I have already talked about when they commit to listening mindfully.
In my work with both individuals and groups over the past 10+ years, I have mastered how to “get comfortable with uncomfortable silences.” I am a much more effective coach/mentor/teacher because of it. Am I a better parent? Absolutely. My husband would say I am a much more dialed-in partner and wife. I am a better human.
You can do this, too! If you want to TRULY connect with your kids, your spouse, a business prospect, or a client, you HAVE GOT TO GIVE SPACE FOR AUTHENTIC EBBS AND FLOWS IN CONVERSATION PATTERNS. I strongly encourage you to master the art of patience, discomfort, and “listening with your whole face.” Your world (and the world of the people who regularly interact with you) will be exponentially better for it.