So many people put themselves in financial debt over the holidays. They buy things they can’t afford for people who don’t need them. And, it can take months, sometimes years, to climb out of the self-imposed fiscal hole. I know I’ve done it before—put Christmas on credit—and I would be willing to bet either you or someone you know also has. Aside from advising you against that practice, I am not going to get too deep into the financial cost of the holidays.
What I want to focus on instead is the EMOTIONAL cost of this time of year because it can be even more debilitating than that extra heavy credit card balance you will soon be carrying. I was on a client call this morning and the conversation with, let’s use the name Desdemona, inspired this blog post. She turned an empowering corner during the call; one I could hear in her voice, see written on her face, and experience through her body language. So I want to share, in a nutshell, what went down so I can potentially save you from experiencing some of the same hidden costs of the holidays.
Desdemona came to me this morning with what I am going to call The Trifecta of Toxicity. Her perfectionism was literally blocking her joy. Her penchant for comparison had her feeling like nothing she ever did would be good enough. And her inability to calculate the joy tax had her spinning in circles and tripping over countless obligations and other people’s expectations.
In the interest of brevity and privacy, I am not going to share the details of what was discussed, I am going to simply divulge some of my best tips for not only surviving the holiday season, but thriving in it. It is, after all, supposed to be a time of joy, peace, and togetherness…but that sometimes gets buried under our excess consumerism, the mountains of expectations, the prevalence of generational traumas, and our inability to set effective boundaries.
TIP #1:
- There is no such thing as HAVE TO. Ever. You don’t have to attend the party, make the fruitcake, buy the gift, decorate the tree a certain way (or even get a tree), play the same dreidel game that people have been playing since your great-great-great grandfather introduced it, or have the same holiday meal. You don’t have to uphold the family tradition, or even spend time with family at all if you don’t want to.Because, you know what? This mountain of obligations and the fulfillment of other people’s desires just because it has always been done that way might not be in your best interest any more. And it might be causing you an avalanche of anxiety, grief, or anger.
- ACTION ITEM: I want you to identify at least one thing that you loathe about the holidays—and I want you to swiftly and unapologetically let that thing go. Set a new boundary around it if you have to. When you free up that emotional, mental, and physical space, you will have room to replace it with something that brings you joy or peace instead.
TIP #2:
- Imperfect is A-OK. We have to let go of the illusion of perfect. Nothing is perfect. Perfect is stressful AF. And, if something actually does feel perfect for you, I can almost guarantee that someone else dreads it or is drowning under the weight of YOUR expectations. Let the kids make a mess of decorating the tree…and take pictures and laugh about it, knowing it will become a treasured family story. Let your holidays be a little less Martha Stewart and a little more National Lampoon’s vacation. Know what’s better than perfect? Authentic. Authentic is perfection’s easy-breezy cousin. I used to hang out with perfection a lot at the holiday gatherings, but perfection stifled my joy and made me kind of uptight. So now Authenticity and I hang out together at the kids’ table and it is so much more fun over there. You might like it there, too.
- ACTION ITEM: Do something imperfectly, with love, and allow yourself to be okay with that. Send the holiday cards late (and if the pic came back from Walmart with a slightly greenish tint to it, don’t bitch out the photo clerk—send it anyways). Show up to all the festivities in an outfit that is comfortable more than it is fashionable. Try to make grandma’s recipe, even though no one has been able to make it just like her yet, and simply carry on the tradition instead of worrying about whether or not you are carrying it out exactly as she did it.
TIP #3:
- Comparison ALWAYS makes you feel like shit. Twice during the holidays. Stop comparing your traditions to theirs. Stop comparing your holiday cards, your tree, the lights on your house, the size of your holiday gatherings, or the gifts you got with anyone else. Know what quells comparison? Being 100% present and mindful over what YOU are all about at the holidays. Getting your needs met is pretty cool, too.
- ACTION ITEM: Stay in your own lane. Seriously. And remember, you are only seeing people’s highlight reels at the holidays. You have NO idea what is going on behind the perfectly posed photos and matchy-matchy pajamas. Everyone has their demons. Everyone needs their do-overs. And everyone has traditions and people in their lives that bring them down. The only people you need to worry about right now are your people.
Tip #4:
- Know the value of the JOY TAX. I completely made this up, but it’s quite simple. Envision a bank account that is made up purely of joy. The balance in that account is priceless and is very difficult to replace if lost or spent. You want to keep the highest balance in this account that you possibly can. If something literally robs you of joy when you do it and you can feel the balance in your Joy Account dipping, stop immediately! For example: traveling to 3 different houses on the same day. We used to do that when the kids were little, but it robbed us of joy and it was a logistical nightmare, so we stopped.
- ACTION ITEM: Identify 2-3 things that literally COST you more joy than they GIVE you. Notify the people in your life that you will no longer be doing those things and/or you won’t be carrying those traditions on any longer. Please note, you don’t have to justify why or apologize for it. Simple statements work best and are much more effective in your boundaries practice.”I will no longer be traveling out of state during the holidays.”
“I have decided that sending Christmas cards causes me too much stress, so I won’t be sending them anymore.”
“Please don’t bring alcohol to our house for __________. We are wanting an alcohol-free event this year.”
“I will only be able to contribute $15 to that group gift this year.”
“Thank you for the invitation, but I will not be attending.”Stop putting so much pressure on yourself (and the people you love) and make it a point to maximize your joy this holiday season! It’s a great practice that, when implemented effectively, will allow you to get the most bang for your buck all year long.
Side note: I always like to say that boundaries are a two-way street. Please know that in order for someone else to maximize their joy, you might be on the receiving end of someone else’s boundaries. Don’t take it personally. Roll with it, wish them well, and meet those boundaries with love and understanding.
Happy and healthy holidays to you and your loved ones,
JennP.S. Finding yourself in an unpleasant situation? Removing yourself from that situation for a few minutes and taking a few slow, deep, mindful breaths works wonders in a pinch.
P.P.S. If you need some additional help or accountability around these topics, explore some coaching or class work with me in 2020.